


What's in your (he)art

by PseudoWriter69



Category: Carol (2015)
Genre: Age Difference, Art, Carol - Freeform, Carol Aird - Freeform, Cate Blanchett - Freeform, Eventual Smut, F/F, Older Woman/Younger Woman, References to Depression, Romance, Sapphic, age gap, art gallery, cate is basically a sugar mommy lmao, how do tags work??, no mommy issues however!, only appreciating milfs, wlw, yeah bois it's gonna have some angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:27:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28886823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseudoWriter69/pseuds/PseudoWriter69
Summary: Kiah meets a charming woman at the last place expected. An exciting affair blooms.
Relationships: Cate Blanchett/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 60





	1. Heart

Kiah checked herself out in the small mirror. It was haphazardly leaned against the wall; Kiah had to squat a little to see her full frame in it. She straightened out her tie and made sure her crimson button-up was tucked neatly into her black high-waist pants. A little voice in the back of her mind kept telling her the outfit would be too formal for attending an art exhibition – she’d look out of place, people would stare at her, her body wasn’t made for such clothes. With a deep sigh, she focused on pushing those thoughts away and replacing them with something more positive. It was a new thing for her – dressing up, letting herself be seen instead of always hiding in the crowds. Blending in was her comfort zone and she wanted to change that. Her willingness didn’t stop her anxiety from acting up, unfortunately. Without wasting any more time Kiah put on her blazer and made her way out.

The ride to her destination turned out to be a smelly old cab.

_Don’t they have safety regulations or something for these things???_

She thought to herself while trying to touch as little of the inside of the vehicle as possible. If a truck was to hit them at that moment they definitely wouldn’t survive. The old car was more a metal cage than anything. At least they would find her body in her best clothes. The thought was accompanied with a slight chuckle to herself.

Finally, she was standing in front of the gallery. The building’s architecture was distinctly modernist.

It brought back memories of _her_.

Kiah’s heart constricted, causing a painful pang. She hadn’t been to the gallery ever since… _she_ left. All too painful memories continued to flood her mind. She helplessly wondered how much longer she would have to feel like this – months had passed already. Fighting through her overwhelming need to go home and curl into a ball, she made her way inside the gallery.

Tall white walls surrounded her – some looking as if they had been randomly placed all about the place. She walked around a single wall that stood about 6 ft tall causing it to tower over Kiah by a few inches. On it hung a guitar – its three thickest strings broken. The voice in her head had been right – most of the people there wore more casual clothing. The only thing keeping her from leaving were a couple with such outlandish outfits they absorbed all of the attention of strangers’ wandering eyes and the fact that she had paid a lot for the ticket.

Wallowing in your own sadness at home for months saved you a surprising amount of money.

Her destination was clear – the wine table. Enjoying art is always better when you’re slightly tipsy. Ignoring the implication of the statement, she downed a glass and took another to sip on.

Kiah was in no way an art critic. Frankly, she simply enjoyed the peace of galleries. She could stand there, observing art with no one to bother or judge her. Also – it was a great excuse to drink in public and not look like a miserable alcoholic. Which she definitely was not…or at least that’s what she told herself. A place to just be in silence. Except apparently, it was not.

“It’s an exceptional piece, isn’t it?”

A deep feminine voice came from beside her. Truthfully she hadn’t paid actual attention to the painting. She was just mindlessly staring at it, her mind somewhere far away. Kiah focused her gaze on it to actually take it in. It hurt. Something about the colors, the setting, it all reminded of _her_. Tears threatened to spill so she averted her gaze from the painting to the source of the mysterious voice. In front of her stood a woman – tall with blonde hair, strikingly blue eyes, and features so sharp they could cut. For a moment Kiah could just stand there, insecurity and anxiety overwhelming her.

“It is. It – uh – it holds so much emotion. I actually got a little overwhelmed looking at it.”

She smiled at the woman and sipped on her wine nervously. No one usually approached her at such events. It was supposed to be her ‘me time’ and people interrupting it felt frustrating. Although she could definitely make an exception for such a striking woman.

“How interesting. I found it peaceful. The dark blue really drives you to a place of zen.”

Kiah hummed in thought, her eyes traveling back to the painting to take a quick glance.

“That’s what I like about art. One piece could be as many things as there are people looking at it.”

The corner of the woman’s lips tugged upwards, causing a few smile lines to appear.

“I suppose how we perceive art is strongly tied to what we’re already feeling.”

Her deep velvety voice sounded like a work of art itself to Kiah. She could only look into the woman’s eyes where she found something resembling acknowledgment or understanding…she was not sure.

“I am Cate, by the way. Pleased to meet you.”

The woman – Cate – extended her arm to Kiah.

“I am Kiah, nice to meet you too, Cate.”

Kiah shook her hand, noting how warm it was in contrast to her own icy cold one.

“Oh, that’s such a beautiful name. I suppose it goes with the person.”

Cate smirked at Kiah as she was once again left speechless. Talking to people, especially strangers, was not her strongest pursuit. Even more so when said strangers were attractive women flirting with her. As much as she wanted to be left alone, Cate had undoubtedly spiked her curiosity.

“Is that how you charm people, Cate? With flattery?”

Kiah teased back and Cate looked at her with faked offense.

“I have done no such thing! I only speak the truth.”

“Sure thing.”

“Are you saying you don’t trust me?”

“My trust, miss Cate, must be earned.”

Kiah smiled and raised her glass at Cate, drinking the rest of its contents. She then walked past the woman, making her way to another piece of art near the wine table. This confidence of hers was undoubtedly unleashed by the pleasant buzz of the wine. It seemed it had paid off when she heard steps approaching behind her.

“Did you really just walk away from me? Don’t you know that it’s rude?”

Cate spoke again. The woman was persistent, Kiah could give her that. She turned around to face her.

“It’s a free country and I’m a free woman.”

“That you are.”

“Besides, you’d have to do more to keep my attention.”

Cate’s brows shot up in what looked like genuine surprise. It seemed the woman was not used to a challenge.

“Kiah, do you know who I am?”

The question was undoubtedly weird, but once Kiah thought about it, the woman did seem somewhat familiar. She just couldn’t place her.

“Should I…?”

Cate shook her head with a smile.

“So, what is it that would keep your attention then?”

The woman changed the subject, going back to her charming ways. Kiah squinted her eyes in suspicion.

“How about you fetch me another glass of wine and we’ll see.”

Cate stepped closer – a lot closer – to Kiah with a look of challenge on her beautiful face. The younger woman tried to keep her poker face while her heart sped up in her chest.

“Quite bossy, aren’t you.”

The words were spoken as a statement rather than a question. Cate reached her hand towards Kiah’s chest only to have it trace down her arm and take the empty wine glass from her hand. She smirked confidently at how flustered Kiah looked for a moment. Then she turned around to walk to the wine table. The young woman realized the kind of game they were playing and felt determination strike. She was going to win.

Cate came back with two glasses – one she handed to Kiah and one she drank herself.

“Thank you.”

Kiah made sure to brush her fingers against Cate’s hand as she accepted the glass.

“So what brings you to this exhibition, Cate?”

She asked and began walking ahead, exploring different art pieces.

“Oh, I was invited, actually.”

Kiah stopped.

“Excuse me??”

Disbelief was clear on her face. Cate shrugged

“I know the artist. He invited me. Not a big deal.”

“Do you know how much I paid to attend this thing?! Artists that expensive usually _are_ a big deal…Are you like an important person or something? Am I making a fool of myself?”

Cate laughed. A loud, hearty laugh that made Kiah smile a little.

“He’s just an old friend of mine. That’s it.”

Admittedly a little drunk, the younger woman completely missed Cate avoiding her question again.

“I wish I had such friends. I paid a weeks’ pay for this.”

Kiah frowned and drank her wine.

“At least I get free wine, I guess.”

“When you get to my age, you might just have such a friend, who knows.”

Cate’s name came from somewhere in the room. A man’s loud voice boomed over the chatter of dozens of people as he called her over. It was the man from the couple with the outlandish outfits. Cate looked at him and signaled that she was going.

“I have to get back to my people – would be rude to get invited and spend the whole time ignoring them.”

She smiled at Kiah. Kiah felt herself become a little disappointed.

“But, that shouldn’t mean goodbye! There is going to be a party after this. Close circle only. If you would like to come…”

The woman’s voice was hopeful.

“I appreciate the offer but I definitely don’t make the close circle. Besides, I have to get home soon anyway.”

Cate sighed.

“What a shame.”

After a few moments of silence and Cate’s apparent unwillingness to part, she spoke up again.

“Why don’t you give me your number?”

Apparently, Kiah had made a face because Cate hurried to clarify.

“You said you wanted a friend with connections. Believe me, I can get you in a lot of art places for free.”

“Let me get this clear, you want my number so you can take me to art exhibitions?”

For the first time that evening, it was Cate that was nervous.

“…yes…scout’s promise! No funny business!”

Kiah laughed gestured for Cate’s phone.

“You’re lucky I’m tipsy and you’re charming.”

She shook her head with a smile and typed her number.

“I’m lucky indeed.” Cate spoke barely audible “Well, once again – it was a pleasure to meet you. Have a nice evening, Kiah.”

The woman put a hand on Kiah’s shoulder and squeezed it. Then she turned around and made her way to the weirdo that had called her. Kiah was left with a smile on her face and warmth inside. Whether it was the alcohol or Cate she didn’t know. Or didn’t want to admit. Regardless, that was the first night since many where she fell asleep with a smile instead of tears. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, wow this turned out l o n g. I'm sorry, I usually keep it short and interesting I really don't know what happened with this chapter. it just kept going and going and going... It's 5 am again now and I need a break.  
> I hope you like it, though!

For Kiah, mornings had always been the Devil's creation. As her bare feet slap on the cool floor, her entire body shaking with chills, she would wonder how some people actually enjoyed that kind of pure torture. Really, the only way she could enjoy mornings was by staying up until the sun crawled its way above the horizon.

Waking up on a Monday morning she felt no different. In fact, she felt a little worse. Her work schedule for the day was a nightmare and the pit of depression in her stomach didn't make her mood any better. Food was a hard no. Kiah made her way to the kitchen, shivering the entire way. Her muscle memory took over each little movement to compensate for her half-asleep brain. 

Take a mug out. Fill it up with water. Put it in the microwave. Wait. Take it out. Add instant coffee. Stir. 

With movements almost resembling a machine, she brought the coffee to her lips, craving the feeling of caffeine rushing through her blood. 

"Ah, fuck!" 

Her voice boomed in the empty apartment. Apparently, in her zombied state, she had forgotten about the fact that the coffee was indeed scalding. Kiah groaned at her burnt tongue and left the coffee on the counter. She opted to get dressed first and drink the coffee later. As unpleasant as the experience had been, at least she was awake. Wide awake. 

For a 21-year-old woman, Kiah's bedroom was pretty messy. She kicked a few lone socks out of her way to the wardrobe. Choosing an outfit was easy - jeans and a plaid shirt. As always. 

_Ding_

The sound of her phone interrupted the flow of her routine. Kiah finished buttoning up her shirt and grabbed the phone on her bed. Curiosity got the best of her. No one usually texted her at such early hours. On the screen was a text from an unknown number.

_**Unknown number** : Hey! Is this Kiah? _

_**Kiah** : who's asking?_

_**U.N.** _ _:_ _S_ _o it is you.  
This is Cate from last night._

_**Kiah** : oh, hey cate  
didn't take you for an early riser _

_**Cate** : Actually, I am going home now. But I usually am an early riser.  
_

_**Kiah** : you partied all night?!_

_**Cate** : You could say that._

_**Kiah** : you're making **me** feel old_

_**Cate** : I did invite you to join! _

_**Kiah** : maybe next time _😉

Kiah locked her phone, throwing it on the bed. A smile graced her lips. Her morning had suddenly become bearable. The phone dinged again but she decided to wait for a little before answering. Something about not coming off as desperate. She drank her now lukewarm coffee wondering what it could be that Cate had sent her. Self-control had never been her strong side; she ran to the bedroom to get her phone. Unlocking it, she read...

_**Cate** : Are you free tonight?_

Kiah's heart fluttered in her chest. The previous night had felt like a dream...something too good to be true. Was this woman really flirting with her? Was Kiah going to let herself be flirted with by a woman that looked to be twice her age? The thought of dating someone that much older had never crossed her mind. But that wasn't dating, was it? Kiah wanted to slap herself for immediately thinking about a relationship. She wasn't healed from her previous one yet, there was no way she would jump into a new one. But she could still have fun. And she came to the conclusion that that's exactly what this was - a fun experiment. 

_**Kiah** : hmm, i'd have to check my calendar  
what do you have in mind?_

Cate didn't respond for a few hours. By the time she did, Kiah was busy stocking shelves. Her entire life she thought she would become _someone._ That she would live her life to the fullest and leave a legacy behind. Her entire time in high school was spent daydreaming about it - how she would change and become an entirely different person once she graduates. Everyone would look at her in awe as she passed them by on the street. It was a foolish dream, she realized eventually. She just wasn't enough to be someone. And that's how at 21 she found herself stacking shelves in a supermarket, making barely above minimum wage. The thought depressed her - it made her feel utterly pathetic.  
In her anger, Kiah put down a bag of flour with a little more force than necessary, causing it to break and spill. She sighed in pure frustration. Kiah got up and stormed off to the restroom. 

"Lonnie, can you clean up on aisle 6 I need a moment off." 

She didn't wait to see her coworker nod at her. Kiah locked herself in the staff restroom and broke down. Muffled sobs bounced off the walls and dissipated into nothingness. Sobs only meant for Kiah's own ears. The hot tears wet her hand that clasped tightly over her mouth. How could she possibly feel even more worthless, even more _disposable_? Everyone had left her. Loneliness is detrimental to an individual and she had been lonely for too long.   
Unraveled, she sat on the cold tile floor. Too tired to care how gross it was, too tired to get up. _So tired_. 

"Uh, Kiah, are you okay? You've been in there for a while." 

Lonnie's voice was accompanied by a knock. 

"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute." 

Kiah called out. She winced at her voice - hoarse from swallowed sobs. Standing up took so much of the energy she didn't have in the first place. Her body ached. She washed her hands at the sink and splashed some water on her face. It was fairly obvious she had cried. Usually, she would do anything to hide the fact but at that moment she couldn't care less. On the other side of the door, Kiah was met by a concerned Lonnie. Lonnie was a few years younger than her - fresh out of high school. She was short but made up for it with strength. The muscles on her arms were well defined and, in Kiah's opinion, quite pleasant to look at. 

"Hey, is something wrong?" the girl asked 

"I'm _fine_."

Kiah snapped at her and immediately felt bad for it. 

"Sorry. I appreciate the concern, Lonnie, really. I've just been a little stressed lately." 

It wasn't a _complete_ lie. Most of her savings had gone for a new washing machine and a new laptop. By a freak accident, those two purchases were connected. She found out the hard way that getting drunk and leaving your laptop on the ground near your old washing machine so you could scream to songs over the machine's noise is _not_ a good idea. Kiah regretted spending so much money on that damned art exhibition but she couldn't get her money back so she thought to herself - might as well get her money's worth. Unfortunately, that, paired with her boss lowering her wage for 'slacking off', meant that rent that month would be a struggle to pay. A pretty stressful situation by all means. 

"Okay...just know that I'm here if you need to talk about anything." 

Lonnie's earnest look turned into a smug smirk

"I've been told I'm a great listener." 

Kiah smiled at the charming dork before her. 

"Thanks, kiddo." 

Kiah returned to her work and Lonnie followed with a frown. 

"Kiah, I'm like three years younger than you, stop calling me that. I am a full-grown adult." 

She accentuated her point by straightening her back and flexing her biceps. Kiah just chuckled. 

"Sure."

Lonnie muttered something about no one taking her seriously under her breath. 

_Ding_

Kiah grabbed her phone from her back pocket with speed that must have been superhuman. Lonnie looked at her with a raised brow and a knowing smirk. 

"Lonnie, don't you even dare. Just go back to work." 

Kiah warned with a threatening look and Lonnie just raised her hands in defense as she walked away. The screen on the phone was cracked - probably from sitting on it on the bathroom floor. Kiah groaned and tried to open the message from Cate. The screen was a little glitchy but she managed to do it. 

_**Cate:** I haven't thought that far ahead, to be honest.   
Do you like theatre?_

Kiah wasn't one to regularly visit the theatre, but seeing a play did sound good. 

_**Kiah** : you're gonna turn me into a cultured woman_

_**Cate** : I thought you already were.._

_**Kiah** : barely  
a play does sound good tho _

_**Cate** : what do you want to watch?  
What*_

_**Kiah** : you decide, i want it to be a surprise   
also, you know you don't have to be so formal over text, right? _

_**Cate** : Leave me alone, I'm old _

_**Kiah** : you're doing a great job charming me like that _

_**Cate** : Feeling funny today, arent we_

_**Kiah** : i'm always funny   
anyway, i have to get back to work _

_**Cate** : Okay. When do you get off? I'll come pick you up. _

Like the absolute child she could sometimes be,Kiah snickered at Cate typing 'get off'. 

_**Kiah** : i *get off* at 7 p.m.  
you can stop at the park on mellow str. i'll be there_

She put her phone away. Happiness was so rare in her life that it felt foreign. Her - happy?! What kind of sorcery is that?   
As if on cue her happiness vanished into thin air. Cate would pick her up. That meant she would see her like that - sweaty and messy and tired. Kiah thanked the gods she thought to give an address a few streets away from the store. Cate could not find out where she worked under any circumstances. It was humiliating enough by itself. Being that mysterious art gallery lady seemed way more enticing than being the girl that works at a supermarket and can't pay her rent. Kiah concluded she could make up some excuse about the way she looked. She couldn't really leave early to shower. Being on her boss's last nerve already he would definitely fire her.

7 p.m. could not have come any slower. Kiah had gotten a headache from worrying too much. She looked nothing like the person from the previous night. Would that throw Cate off? She was also way too sober to be the smug flirty woman from the gallery. At one point she considered having a little drink beforehand but she decided against it when she realized Cate would definitely be able to smell it on her. After having her mind race with anxious thoughts for hours she finally decided to put a stop to it. She locked herself in the restroom and did a breathing exercise telling herself that whatever happens would be alright. She had only known Cate for a day - it wouldn't be that big of a loss to not see her ever again. It would be a big hit on her ego, though, that's for sure. 

_Positive thoughts, Kiah_

She splashed her face with water to hopefully wash away any sweat that might have been on it. Fixing up her clothes a little she decided that was the most presentable she was going to look at that point and walked out. She wore a backpack that contained her work clothes. Would Cate find her backpack too...childish? Leave it to Kiah to overthink herself into a frenzy. 

Sitting on a bench near the parking lot for the park, Kiah found herself wishing she'd had that drink after all. A black SUV pulled up but Kiah was too busy assessing the damage to her phone to pay it any attention. Besides, a black SUV was the last thing she expected Cate to drive. 

_**Cate** : hey, i'm there_

_**Kiah** : huh, me too  
i don't see you - only a black suv and a tiny ford   
_

_**Cate** : Yes, that's me._

_**Kiah** : the tiny ford?!_

_**Cate** : The SUV._

It seemed a little weird to Kiah that Cate wouldn't just get out of the car and meet her but she shrugged to herself. What would be the worst thing that could happen? She gets kidnapped by a hot lady and dies. Kiah considers that a win. She walked to the SUV and reached to open the passenger door but the back window rolled down. Cate smiled at her 

"Come sit with me."

At that point, Kiah was absolutely lost. If Cate was sitting in the backseat then who was driving? She walked around the car and opened the back door, getting inside. 

"Hey, you." 

The woman greeted her. She was wearing a loose black shirt with beige pants. Real classy. Instead of greeting her back, Kiah couldn't help herself and ask 

"Do you have _a driver_?" 

Cate's smile fell for a moment. Then it returned, accompanied by a laugh. 

"Don't you?" 

Kiah decided to drop the subject for the time being. 

"How was work?" 

Cate asked her in an attempt to make small talk. Kiah despised small talk. 

"Stressful as always." 

She turned to face Cate only to realise how close they really were. Her breath hitched for a moment. 

"So... what play are we seeing today...?" 

Kiah's voice came out barely above a whisper. Cate's gaze fell from her eyes to her lips and she saw the woman lick her own. Kiah's heart drummed to a silent quick rhythm. Cate leaned even closer, their lips almost touching. The anticipations turned the seconds into hours. Kiah gulped. 

_To hell with it_

She leaned in and finally closed the space between them. Cate's lips felt so soft against hers that they left her lightheaded. Their lips moved in a slow dance, Kiah's hands moving up to cup Cate's face. Kiah licked the other woman's lower lip, asking for an entrance. Cate allowed her in and their tongues danced together with the choreography of a need growing. The younger woman slid her hands into Cate's hair, pulling on it a little. Cate sighed into the kiss and Kiah couldn't contain herself. She pulled Cate's head back by the hair and started to leave kisses on her neck. The woman hummed with satisfaction at how good Kiah's lips felt on her. The blonde felt Kiah bite on her neck and had to pull herself out of the moment. She gently cupped Kiah's face and pulled her back up to her lips, placing a little peck on them. 

"We'll miss the play if we keep that up."

She laughed a little, a faint blush finding its way on her cheeks. Kiah was still very much in the moment, wanting, _needing._

"Tease."

She sighed and sat back in her seat properly. 

"So, you never told me - what play are we seeing?"

"We're seeing Electra."

The name rang a bell deep in Kiah's brain. Too deep to place it, though. 

"Cool. By the way, do we have time to stop by my apartment? I have to get something real quick." 

Kiah's real plan was to get home and take a lightning-quick shower but Cate didn't need to know that. 

"Sure. We have about an hour until the play."

Kiah considered whether she should give her real address or lie. They would see her block of flats - it wasn't a run down one. In fact, it had been recently fixed up so it looked somewhat presentable (only on the outside, though). The hallways were still as dimly lit with walls with chipped paint as ever. Sometimes when Kiah found herself coming home late at night, she could swear dark figures were hiding in the shadows. But it was the only place she could afford when she moved out of her parents' house. And now she couldn't afford even that.   
She gave her real address and began mentally planning how to be as time-efficient as possible on her secret mission. The car fell quiet. Usually, it would make Kiah uncomfortable but she was too lost in thought to notice. Cate would have to make conversation - Kiah was not exactly a social butterfly. 

They arrived at the address and Kiah reached for the car door before the car had even fully come to a stop. 

"You don't have to be in such a hurry, Kiah, we have time." 

Cate laughed and pulled Kiah to her. The younger woman was unprepared for the soft kiss that followed. Cate's perfume infiltrated her senses. Jasmine. Kiah pulled away and just stood there for a moment, admiring Cate's face and how close they were. She ran her index finger from the back of Cate's jaw to her chin, noting to herself how sharp the line was. Then she left a peck on the woman's lips and bolted out of the car. Cate was left frozen in place by the girl's touch. She hadn't had someone look at her that way in a while. In Kiah's eyes she could see only admiration.

Kiah took pride in how fast she could get a job done when she really needed to. She was out of the bathroom and in the car in 20 minutes.

"Was the 'thing' you had to get a change of clothes?" 

Cate mused 

"You could've just said so."

"Maybe I wanted to surprise you. Don't I look so much better now?"

"You look good in anything, darling." Cate said and then bent to whisper in Kiah's ear "Though, I bet you look best when you wear nothing." 

She squeezed Kiah's knee and returned to her seat.

"Have you seen Electra before?"

It took a few moments for Kiah's brain to return to its normal function and assimilate that Cate had asked her something. Heat had spread throughout her body for the third time since she had gotten into that car. Cate really was a tease. Kiah felt the car begin moving to the theatre, she assumed. 

"No, I haven't actually. I'm not really a theatre person. More of a book one." 

"What kind of books do you like?"

"I love drama but if I had to be more specific, I'd say sapphic literature. Poems written by women for women are just so soft...you can really feel the love, the admiration, the devotion through the page. And the novels I could read in one sitting. It's all just so captivating. Honestly, I've raised the bar for myself so high I can hardly enjoy any other literature." 

Kiah puffed a breath of air in a silent chuckle. She could go on and on about books but there rarely was someone who would listen to her. 

"I haven't read that much sapphic literature but I have to agree with you. I remember reading 'For the Courtesan Ch'ing Lin' by Wu Tsao. I had to take a moment because I could feel the tenderness of it so intensely."

Kiah snapped her head at Cate with a big smile.

"No way, that's one of my favorite poems! My favorite book is 'The price of salt' by Patricia Highsmith simply because it's such an important book in our history. It gave so many people hope and made them feel less alone." 

"Yeah, I've read that one..." 

Cate's tone was amused as she watched the oblivious girl before her. 

"I heard they made it into a movie." 

Cate said casually. Kiah scoffed.

"They've probably ruined the good story. So many movie adaptations do their books zero justice." 

"Maybe you should give it a chance." 

Before Kiah could answer Cate opened the car door and stepped out. They had arrived. 

Kiah couldn't concentrate on the play for the life of it. It occurred to her why she preferred books. Neither plays nor movies could tell a story as a good book could. Having an omniscient narrator really made everything so much better. Cate's eyes, on the other hand, were glued to the stage. Kiah took the time to observe the woman next to her. The heavy shadows fell on her face in such a way that her cheekbones popped even more. God, she was so beautiful. Kiah could write an essay about the significance of every little detail on Cate's face. They came together to form the face of a goddess. Kiah caught herself sounding a little too intense and toned it down. She wouldn't let herself fall in love with someone that was just having some fun with her. She wouldn't let her emotions ruin yet another good thing. Truthfully, she couldn't wrap her head around the fact that despite being hurt so many times, her heart still clung to every woman that gave her even a little attention. 

"Did you like it?" 

Cate asked as they walked back to the car. 

"Yeah, it was nice." 

"You're a terrible liar, you know."

"Some people would find that a good quality! I told you I wasn't a theatre girl."

"But you agreed to come?!" 

"Look, I had to try again to make sure."

_And I wanted to spend more time with you._

Kiah left the last part out. She didn't want to push Cate away with her intensity. Cate's phone rang and she picked up. Kiah decided to give her privacy and got inside the car. She fiddled with her fingers as she waited. Cate's voice boomed - she was yelling. Anxiety started to build up in Kiah's chest. Something was wrong. 

Cate got into the car and slammed the door closed. 

"Kiah, I'm sorry but there's an emergency at home and I have to go right now. Do you mind getting a cab home?"

"Uh, sure, is everything okay?" 

"Yes." 

Cate didn't say anything else and Kiah felt her stomach sink. 

_I fucked it up._

She climbed out of the car and took one last look at Cate before closing the door. The woman was leaning on the armrest, looking straight forward with an ice-cold glare. Kiah shut the door and watched the car drive away. What was Cate's problem? They didn't even have time to talk. The night had gone horribly. Kiah felt used somehow - robbed of her time, played with. Was that what Cate did for fun? Play with gullible young women? The young woman seethed. On top of all she now had to pay for a cab home. Ridiculous! She would walk if it wasn't dark out. 

Lying in her bed that night she promised to herself to never fall for such lies again and silently - she cried. 


	3. Chapter 3

"Today was a damn bust, huh.."

Lonnie sighed and wiped the sweat off her forehead. It had been stock day. Their boss, Mark, was too much of a cheap ass to hire guys to unload the cargo so the two of them had to do it. And while neither Kiah nor Lonnie wanted to admit it (mainly because both of them held some pride in being strong), it was always a bitch of a day to go through.   
Kiah only nodded and headed for the staff room. Working at the supermarket meant wearing a uniform that she found incredibly stupid and somewhat demeaning. Mark all but forced her and Lonnie to wear it to keep their job. As she was seething with silent anger, Kiah had only managed to hear a few words from his explanation - good, store, image, advertising. She had bit her tongue in favor of keeping her job and taken the uniform. Wearing the stupid thing meant using the tiny staff room as a locker room. Since Lonnie shared her opinion of the uniform and too refused to further degrade herself by wearing it in public, they had to share the cramped space. Usually, they could manage to avoid changing clothes simultaneously but it seemed the day had taken too much out of them and neither had the patience to spend another minute in the gross, sweaty uniform.   
And so....there they were, changing together. Lonnie didn't seem to mind as she quickly undressed. Kiah tried not to look, but it proved to be a challenge. She hadn't realized how fit Lonnie actually was. Her abs were toned and defined, her arms were _really_ muscular and her traps, and _her back,_ and..... Kiah found herself staring. Lonnie caught her and smirked. Kiah realized and immediately looked away, going back to changing her own clothes. 

"Hey, I don't mind. I've worked a lot to get these."

Kiah didn't look up and just hurried to change and get out. Lonnie ran after her. 

"Kiah! Wait!" 

Kiah stopped and waited for whatever it was that Lonnie had to say. 

"Do you wanna, uh, go out? I know a nice little bar nearby and it's real cozy and-"

"Lonnie, you know I don't...like you _that_ way..." 

Kiah felt like absolute garbage for turning poor Lonnie down. She could see how nervous the girl was and it made it even worse. 

"Oh, that's okay, we can still go as friends, coworkers or whatever to, you know, get a drink after a long day..."

Lonnie rubbed the back of her neck, looking at the ground. Kiah just didn't have the heart to reject Lonnie again so she smiled. 

"That sounds like just what I need after this hell of a shift." 

The girl before her smiled and her brown eyes lit up. For the first time ever, Kiah saw Lonnie as something more than her dorky coworker. She saw the way the street lights gave a warm yellow hue to her olive skin, the way her brows arched to give her a mean look which contradicted with her sweet personality and big heart. She saw a beautiful woman. 

After a drink or two, their inhibitions had begun to fall. Lonnie was telling Kiah about that time an old lady had mistaken her for a guy from the back and how shocked the lady had been once she had got to see Lonnie's face. Kiah burst out in laughter, letting her anxieties get lost in the warm waves of intoxication. Lonnie had always been nice to her and it was not like Kiah was blind. She had noticed the way Lonnie looked at her when she thought she wasn't paying attention. Kiah had a wonderful woman that actually liked her and was willing to give her the love and attention she craved. So why couldn't she just take her?? What was stopping her from just kissing Lonnie right there and then? Kiah knew the answer but it only made her angrier. Why should she let her stupid crush on Cate ruin this one good thing happening in her life. 

"Earth to Kiah?"

Lonnie snapped her fingers in front of Kiah's face. Kiah realised she had zoned off, thinking about Cate yet again. Cate, who hadn't even bothered to text her in the last two weeks. She shook her head to herself and smiled at Lonnie. Lonnie smiled back and continued her story. Kiah signaled for the bartender for another drink. 

Kiah had finished her third drink and was about to signal for a fourth when Lonnie grabbed her hand to stop her. 

"Kiah, not that I want to tell you what to do, but maybe you've had enough?"

The younger girl smiled awkwardly. Kiah could see that Lonnie held no judgment and her remark was coming from a place of caring. She put her arm down and just looked at Lonnie for a moment. She would like to believe that her brain had shut off or maybe it was just spite but Kiah leaned in and captured Lonnie's lips in a long kiss, pouring all of her feelings for Cate in it. Lonnie stood still for a few moments, shocked. She finally returned the kiss when Kiah cupped her face and brought her closer. It seemed Kiah didn't care that they were making out in front of about a dozen people. Lonnie did, however, and relucantly pulled away. Kiah looked at her, her eyes hungry for something more. Against her own better judgement, Kiah ordered another two drinks and downed them. The girl before her only looked at her with worry in her eyes. 

"Relax, Lonnie I have stamina."

Kiah laughed and Lonnie awkwardly followed along. Kiah paid her bill and feeling rather confident, she stood up. 

"Do you want to see my place?" 

Kiah asked with a suggestive smirk. Lonnie grinned and nodded her head. 

"To be honest, I've always wondered what your place looks like. Like, is it dark and mysterious like you or is it the complete opposite with yellows and stuffed animals and-"

"Shut up and let's go." 

They called a cab and next thing Kiah remembered was her and Lonnie undressing in her bedroom. The rest of the night remained blurry and uncertain. Evidently, Kiah's 'a few drinks' had turned into yet another black-out. 


	4. Chapter 4

Kiah woke up with a familiar pounding in her head. She refused to open her eyes as she could already feel the rays of sunlight angrily pushing against her eyelids, bathing her sight in red. Pain was definitely expecting her once she did open them. Her mind remained blissfully empty and surprisingly calm for a few short moments. Then, as if with a switch, she was bombarded with memories of the previous night. What really made her heart sink to her stomach, however, were the things she _didn't_ remember. Her eyes shot open, causing her to immediately groan in pain. Nausea settled in the pit of her stomach and she tried to suppress the need to empty its contents right then and there on the bed. On the bed....with another person in it. With _Lonnie_ in it. 

_What the fuck did I do?!_

Kiah got up and hurried to put on some clothes she found on the ground. Her hands trembled - a telltale sign she definitely had too much to drink the previous night. Her brain tried to recall how many exactly, but it was all a blur after the fourth one. 

_Why do I always do this??_

She couldn't help but berate herself for letting her drinking get out of control yet again. Making an idiot of herself in front of Lonnie was humiliating. All the things she might have done...her gaze fell on the sleeping girl and Kiah couldn't decide whether she even wanted to know.   
Pushing her feelings of dread and anxiety down, Kiah looked for her phone. The room was a mess with random pieces of clothing covering the floor. Kiah wanted to slap herself for inviting anyone over when her room looked like that. 

_I've made a **spectacular** impression _

She chuckled despite herself and finally managed to find her phone underneath a pile of clothes. The clothes she had worn the previous night. Its screen was cracked even further, making it almost unusable.   
Kiah could make out a message...from Cate. Mixed feelings ran through her. She was angry with Cate for daring to text her again after acting the way she had the last time they saw each other, and then for ignoring her for so long. But she also felt that unmistakable flutter of her heart. The actual message was hidden underneath a particularly cracked section of the screen. Kiah unlocked her phone and went to open the messaging app, only to find she couldn't. She angrily tapped on the little icon but to no avail. Kiah wanted to throw the phone against the wall but she decided against it and instead kicked her wardrobe in a surge of anger. This, apparently, woke up Lonnie who stirred up with a confused look on her face. 

"Kiah?"

She muttered questioningly. Kiah didn't know what to say so she just stared. The duvet that was covering Lonnie while she was sleeping was now thrown to the side and Kiah realized the girl was in her underwear. Her dilemma must have been written on her forehead because Lonnie looked at her half-naked self and hurried to assure Kiah

"Oh, this? We didn't do anything, don't worry...although you were _very_ insistent."

Lonnie laughed a little. Kiah wanted to sigh in relief but could only cringe at the image of her drunk self being all over Lonnie. 

"Sorry. I guess I might have had a bit too much to drink." 

With some hesitation, she decided to ask what exactly had led to the two of them sleeping in her bed half-naked. 

"We got here from the bar and, uh, you drank some more. I tried to stop you but you insisted and so I let you. Then all of a sudden you became _very_ affectionate? It was such a sudden switch I was left hella confused" Lonnie laughed "And then you stared, you know...telling me to take off my clothes and stuff.." the girl hurried through the sentence, not really wanting to make herself or Kiah any more uncomfortable "And so I did, but nothing more happened. Don't get me wrong I want you, but not like this. You were way too drunk and it just would've been wrong to take advantage of you like that, you get me? So I led you to your bed and you passed out nearly instantly anyway."

She laughed again and looked at Kiah who had a troubled look on her face. 

"Lonnie, I'm so so sorry. I know I must look like a mess to you after everything and I would understand if you don't want to be friends anymore." 

Lonnie got up and walked up to Kiah to put her hands on Kiah's shoulders. 

"Hey, nothing happened, okay? You have no idea how many drunk friends I've had to take care of at parties. It's no big deal." 

"Yes, but I led you on and -"

"That's some straight bullshit and you know it. There's no such thing as 'leading on' only my expectations and I have none. I am happy to be friends." 

Lonnie looked into Kiah's eyes as if asking if she had made herself understood and Kiah just nodded. The girl then put her clothes on.

"I promised my uncle that I would help him fix his car so I have to go now. I will see you at work, though." 

Kiah walked Lonnie to the front door and before the girl could leave, Kiah wrapped her arms around her. 

"Thank you, Lonnie, I couldn't ask for a better friend." 

Lonnie smiled to herself and hugged Kiah back. 

After cleaning up her room (mainly driven by the guilt of it being seen in such an unseemly state), Kiah made herself coffee and sat down to consider her options. She could buy a new phone and text Cate back from it...but is already short on money. She could get the screen fixed but that would take too long and with a phone that old it's not worth it. Or she could just ignore Cate the way she had ignored her. The devil on Kiah's shoulder encouraged her to go with the latter but Kiah's soft heart just couldn't. She decided on the only realistic option - calling Cate. An option she dreaded to even consider. What would she even say to Cate? She really didn't know but she also did not want to have Cate think she's ignoring her. 

Kiah was staring at her phone for way too long. She had lit a cigarette on her tiny balcony, looking at the device in her hand and mentally preparing herself for the conversation. 

_It's a phone cal, Kiah, not a death sentence. Get a hold of yourself._

And just like that one cigarette had turned into two and then three and when Kiah felt sufficiently sick and dizzy she pressed the call button. 

"Kiah?"

Cate's rich voice infiltrated every single inch of her mind like a siren song, dangerously luring her in.

"Hey, Cate."

The line fell silent for a few moments while Kiah decided on what to say and Cate waited expectantly. 

"You've texted me."

Kiah finally spoke. It wasn't what she had planned to say, it had slipped. Cate chuckled.

"Good observation."

"I-I meant that you've texted me but I can't read it." 

Cate was silent, probably waiting for an explanation which she never received. 

"Oh, why is that?"

"My phone, it kind of broke and I can't do much else besides making calls." 

"Ah, so it has been reduced to its initial intended purpose." 

Cate laughed at her own joke (if it could be called that - that woman spoke way too smart for anything to sound like a joke). Kiah smiled, she really liked Cate's laugh. 

"I would tell you what the texts said. I would do it right now if that's what you want, but I believe it would translate much better if we could actually see each other. I was hoping we could go out again. I have things to apologise for and I promise this time I will make it up to you, Kiah. I really want to try again."

Kiah smiled a wide smile. Cate _cared._ She wanted to try again. There wasn't anything Kiah would like more than that. 

"If you don't want to, that's okay too. I would understand and leave you alone."

Kiah realised she had fallen silent and hurried to speak

"No, no, I _do_ want to. You've got some explaining to do, miss Cate."

She laughed, her mood now lifted and her heart hopeful. 

"Oh, so we're back to teasing? I will take that as a good sign." 

"It sure is." 

"Are you free on Saturday?" 

"Yeah. I don't have any plans." 

"Okay perfect. I'll come to pick you up at 8."

"What do you have planned?" 

"That, darling, is for me to know and you to find out." 

"Mysterious, I like that, Cate." 

"What can I say, I have a bad impression to make up for." 

"Is that so? Well, I'll see you on Saturday then." 

"I can't wait. See you!" 

The line went dead. Kiah repeated Cate's words in her head _'I can't wait'_

She lit another cigarette in celebration and began making up an explanation for her boss as to why she was suddenly not interested in the extra shift she had taken up for Saturday.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while but as i said - I've had exams. Sorry! Actually, I have an exam in a few hours and I've stayed up just to write this, which also means that it's not proofread and probably has a lot of typos...sorry for that too.
> 
> Comments are always greatly appreciated! Enjoy your read!

"I'm sorry, I just can't do this."

"But please, I will do anything for you, my love!"

"It's better you leave now, before it has become too painful." 

Kiah's dramatic dialogue with herself in front of the mirror was interrupted by the ding of her phone. She touched up her outfit for the last time. For her date with Cate she had decided to wear a loose floral button up with high waisted jeans. It had taken her a whole lot of overthinking to choose that outfit. She didn't want to dress up too much, didn't want Cate to think she had put much thought into the outfit. Besides, she didn't even know where they were going! There was no way she could dress accordingly. So, in her fear of coming across too interested among other things, she decided on a basic neutral outfit. She put on a few rings and a fake silver chain to add a little flavour and left it at that.   
Kiah picked up her phone to read the message only to be reminded once again that this was an impossible feat. 

_Stupid screen_

She could see the message was from Cate and concluded that it was either the woman telling her she was on her way or that the date is off. For the sake of her own sanity, Kiah decided to go with the first option. It was nearly 8 anyway. The brunette opened the screen door to her balcony and stepped out on the cold bare tile covering it. She lit a cigarette and focused her eyes on the parking lot, waiting. Yellow street lights drowned out the opressive dark blue of the sky. Stars were barely visible with clouds covering most of them. A chill ran up Kiah's back as she inhaled the bitter smoke from her cigarette.   
A car pulled up and a few moments later Kiah's phone rang. She ran inside to pick up.

"Good evening, my lady."

Cate's voice with an almost convincing imitation of a posh accent came from the other end of the line.

"You know what, Cate, that was almost believable." 

"Oh, I would hope so! Considering what I do for a living."

"Wait, what _do_ you do for a living?"

"Let's leave the questions for later. I am waiting for you on the parking lot."

The line went dead and Kiah stuffed her phone into her pocket. She sprayed some perfume, made sure her hair wasn't a mess, grabbed her jacket and left her apartment.   
As she reached the parking lot she saw only one unfamiliar car. A classic white Mustang! Kiah stopped in her tracks to admire the car. Despite not being a car person, Kiah had a taste for classics. Could it really be Cate's car? Someone stepped out of the car and a blonde woman in a dark suit approached Kiah. She couldn't determine the exact colour in the dark, but it looked like some kind of dark red, burgundy maybe. 

"Wow." 

The exclamation left Kiah's mouth before she could process it. Cate looked so damn fine. The woman laughed. 

"Like what you see?"

"I sure do, but I also feel underdressed. Should I go change? I'll go change."

Kiah turned to walk back, but Cate grabbed her by the arm and spun her around. Cate tucked a strand of hair behind Kiah's ear

"You look perfect."

Kiah smiled, resisting the urge to kiss Cate. 

"There you go again with the flattery." 

Kiah teased. Cate let her go and turned to walk to the car.

"As we have already established, I only speak the truth, Kiah." 

Kiah ran after her. 

"Somehow, I can't seem to believe that" 

They both got in the car. 

"This hurt, Kiah, am I not trustworthy?" 

"I don't know yet, maybe that's how you get all your young girls?" 

Kiah said it as a joke but she desperately wanted to know if this was a regular thing for Cate. The woman stopped dead in her tracks and turned to look at Kiah with a serious look on her face. 

"Is that what you really think of me?"

The look of hurt and betrayal in Cate's eyes took Kiah off guard. She was at a loss for words but then Cate laughed and put her keys in the car. 

"No, I don't ask out every beautiful witty young woman I meet, if that's what you were wondering."

Kiah sighed in relief, deciding to better watch her words in the future. 

"Well, that's...good to know."

Kiah muttered. 

"Kiah?"

"Yeah?" 

"Belt." 

"Oh. Yeah, right, sorry." 

They put on their seatbelts and Cate reversed out of the lot. 

"No driver this time?" 

"Well, you didn't seem too comfortable with him last time so I thought I'd drive this time. Besides, there's no way I'd let anyone besides me drive this car." 

"I was just surprised. It's not every day you meet someone with a personal driver."

They rode in silence for a while. 

"Can I smoke in here?"

"Only if you give me one too." 

"Didn't take you for a smoker." 

Cate stopped at a red light and turned to Kiah. 

"I'm not. I suppose you're bad influence." 

She laughed and Kiah pushed her shoulder lightly. 

"Hey! We're both adults who are responsible for their own decisions." 

Kiah rolled a cigarette for herself and saw Cate raise a brow. 

"Oh, yeah, I roll them myself. Do you mind that?"

"No, not at all, I just haven't seen anyone do it before." 

The light turned green and Cate drove again. There was quite a bit of traffic so their journey was bound to take a while. Kiah rolled down her window and lit her cigarette. She handed the other to Cate.

"Could you light it for me? I am kind of driving right now and would rather not crash."

Kiah lit it and reached over to place it between Cate's lips. For a while she just stared at the blonde woman next to her. With her fancy suit (that was really burgundy after all), in her fancy car and her (seemingly) fancy life. The woman had a driver, for fuck's sake! Cate's life was a Monet painting and Kiah was a child's scribble on a dirty napkin. She felt so... _out of place_. 

"What's on your mind?" 

Cate asked as they reached another red light. Kiah just shrugged and took a long drag of her cigarette. A cloud threateningly hung above the car. Kiah could almost feel its weight, she was all too familiar with it. These waves would often hit her out of nowhere. How could she explain to someone that she suddenly feels like she is falling down a bottomless pit and that no, it's not their fault, it just happens. She swallowed a lump in her throat and forced herself to smile. 

"You never told me where we're going." 

"You're awfully curious, you know that? You'll see, we're almost there."

True to Cate's words, by the time Kiah was reaching to roll another ciagrette, they were entering the parking lot of a fancy building. It was red all over, a colour similar to Cate's suit.   
It was a restaurant, the interior design of which was a beautiful mix of contemporary and old fancy and it just _worked._ There were separate booths with seats of green leather. It looked so cozy and quite private. It really took away the lack of privacy Kiah hated in public spaces. Kiah was too busy admiring the place to notice Cate talking to a waiter. Cate gently touched her shoulder to get Kiah's attention and motioned to the waiter. 

"This way, please." 

He lead them to a booth next to a big window. Kiah sat down and looked out of it, staring at the thousands of little lights of the city. Something tugged at her heart - a loneliness only possible among a crowd. Alone in this city of hundreds of thousands. 

"I'd like a Gibson. Kiah, do you want anything to drink?"

Kiah peeled her gaze off the city lights and absent mindedly looked at Cate, then at the waiter. 

"I'll have, um, bourbon, on the rocks." 

The waiter nodded and left the table. 

"Bourbon? You like your drinks strong?" 

"Oh, you have no idea." 

Cate's face was unreadable. It made Kiah uncomfortable - she was used to Cate looking either cocky and amused or cold and angry. At that moment she was...blank.

"I am a woman of strong drinks and slightly unhealthy habits." 

Kiah tried to joke despite herself. 

"Kiah, about last time.." 

Cate finally looked her in the eye, still as unreadable.

"What I said then was true - it was an emergency but I really could have hadled it better. I was angry and there was no one else to take it out on but you. It's not an excuse, I know, I probably made you feel awful and I want you to know it wasn't my intention. I like you, I want to get to know you better and I hope you want the same thing."

Suddenly Kiah felt stupid for getting mad over something so small. Somehow Cate validating her feelings felt fake. She knew it was her self doubt speaking, but she couldn't help it. 

"Oh, don't worry, it was nothing. I understand. You must be a busy woman with hardly any time to deal with a moody young woman."

Kiah's words came out passive agressive against her intention. Cate kept her cool.

"It just wasn't an appropriate time for me to... be seen out. Let's put it that way - I was busy at home then but now I have all the time in the world to give to you."

Kiah raised an eyebrow. Cate was sounding more and more like some sort of a secret agent rather than an ordinary woman. 

Who was Kiah kidding, there was nothing ordinary about that woman." 

"All the time in the world, huh?" 

Kiah fiddled with the strap of her watch. 

"I like the sound of that." 

She smiled at Cate. Immediately, something in Cate's demeanor changed and she looked more relaxed. 

"Oh believe me, you'll end up getting sick of me."

"You're, like, the most interesting person I've ever met so I highly doubt that, Cate."

"Me? Interesting? Not boring old me. You, however, are a mystery. One I'd like to solve." 

Kiah wanted to laugh at that. Se couldn't for the life of it see herself as mysterious. If anything, she was anything but and she really didn't want Cate to 'solve' her and find out what a miserable and unspectacular life she was living.   
The waiter arrived with their drinks and they ordered food of a menu with stupid overly fancy names for some relatively regular dishes. 

"God, Cate, how do you know what all those meals are??" 

"I'll let you in on a secret." Cate leaned over the table as if to tell a secret. "I don't." 

They laughed together and Kiah felt light. For a moment Kiah didn't see Cate as a puzzle with a bunch of mising pieces, a mystery book with half its pages missing. She was just Cate, a person who liked Kiah and who Kiah liked. She savoured the sweet moment and for a little moment she wished it could always be that way. It seemed Cate finally noticed Kiah's look, causing the girl to immediately look away. Their food arrived and the conversation quieted down as they ate.   
Kiah's phone rang. She took it out and tried to decline the call, cursing her broken screen for making it so hard. It was just Lonnie. They had plans for a movie night the next day and Lonnie was probably checking in if it was still up. Kiah had forgotten to say she would be busy. At last, the phone stopped ringing. 

"How did you even get it so banged up?" 

Cate asked with genuine surprise. 

"Believe me, I can be _really_ destructive."

"Really? Well, I hope you won't destroy this." 

Cate reached into her handbag, pulling out a box. She handed it to Kiah, who looked at the woman before her questioningly. 

"Come on, take it." 

"Okayy..."

Kiah took the box. It was wrapped in blue paper, which she carefully tore. Underneath was...a phone. Cate had gotten her a phone. An expensive one at that. Kiah looked at Cate as if she was crazy. 

"I can't accept this, Cate."

"Sure you can. It's just a phone."

Kiah furrowed her brows. 

"Just a phone? Cate, this is, like, really expensive."

"Is it? I'm not that familiar with phone brands and so on, I just got what they recommended me. Anyway, though, it's yours."

"Cate, no, I can't afford this."

"It's a gift, Kiah. Take it. I am giving this to you for awfully selfish reasons." 

"You are?"

"Well, yes, I'd like to text you good morning and good night. For my own pure enjoyment only."

Cate winked and Kiah felt herself warm up. 

"God, stop being so charming, you flirt."

Kiah looked away and silently accepted the gift. 

"I'll pay you back, though. Somehow."

Cate sighed in frustration. 

"Fine then. If you so insist, I can think of a few ways." 

The suggestive tone of her voice didn't go unnoticed. 

It was late when they finally decided to leave. 

"You know, my neighbours are gonna die of curiousity about this mysterious person picking me up and dropping me off in a white mustang."

Kiah joked as she buckled her seatbelt, dizzied by a few bourbons.

"Let them wonder. It'll bring some excitement to their day." 

Cate parked in front of Kiah's block and the two women got out of the car. 

"I'll be honest, Cate, I'm not sure what I like better - you or your car." 

"Straight through the heart, Kiah." 

Cate pretended to be shot. They stopped in front of the door. 

"I had a great time, Kiah. I hope you'd like to do this again some time."

"Oh, miss Cate, next date is on me, that's for sure." 

They smiled and just stood there for a moment. The now pitch black sky had millions of stars scattered across it, clouds no longer hiding them. The silece was warm, engulfing both women despite the cold air. Kiah leaned in to capture Cate's lips in a sweet kiss. Her hands found their way cupping Cate's face. Kiah brushed her thumbs along the woman's cheekbones, enjoying the warmth on them.

"As much as I don't want this to stop, I can already hear my bed calling me."

Kiah yawned to accentuate her point.

"Am I _that_ boring?!"

Cate teased 

"Noo."

"I know, I know."

Cate stepped away from the door. 

"Have a good night, Kiah." 

"You too, Cate." 

The woman turned around and walked to her car. Kiah just stood there and watched the car drive away.


	6. Chapter 6

Kiah walked across her bedroom and into the living room. The floors were clean, the chairs empty instead of covered in piles of clothes. The past week with Cate had been like a new awakening for her. They texted basically all the time and even went out to get coffee in between Kiah’s and Cate’s schedule. Apparently Cate really was a busy woman but she wouldn’t tell Kiah what exactly she was busy with. Not that Kiah really asked that much. She knew that the question would in turn make Cate ask her about her job and that was an entire different situation Kah didn’t want to deal with. She couldn’t remember the last time she had the energy to do _anything_ , let alone clean her entire apartment. Albeit small, it had taken her hours to go through the weeks worth of piled messes. Music blasted from her phone and she nodded to it as she made herself coffee. It was about 5 pm, but to Kiah that didn’t matter one bit. She had the ideology that it’s just never too late for coffee. Besides, it had long ago stopped doing anything for her. It was more of a formality and a habit at that point. She stirred the hot cup and checked her phone. Cate was busy that weekend so Kiah was trying hard to restrain herself and not text her. Somehow a week had been enough to get her hooked on the woman, as if she was a drug.

 **L:** _I’ll be there in 10_

A text from Lonnie came. She had suggested a movie night and Kiah had agreed. Despite that one awfully embarrassing they were actually growing closer. It felt good for Kiah to have a friend. She had given up on those a while ago. Kiah decided to meet Lonnie at the door so she grabbed a cigarette she had rolled and made her way downstairs. She lit it and waited for Lonnie.

“Man, that cigarette looks wonky as fuck, are you sure it’s not a joint or whatever.”

“Hi to you too, Lonnie.” Kiah rolled her eyes “I accidentally crushed it coming down the stairs.” She muttered under her breath.

They entered the apartment and Lonnie gasped.

“Damn, you’ve been busy.”

Kiah smiled and rubbed her neck

“Yeah, I decided it was about time I tidied up a bit.”

“Is it because of that girl you keep texting?”

Lonnie teased with a knowing smirk. Kiah scoffed and went to get her monitor. It was slightly bigger than a laptop screen so she was using it as a TV. Or at least she used to, the cable company had long ago cut her off for not paying her bill. Netflix was much better anyway. She brought it into the living room/ kitchen and placed it on the small coffee table, connecting Lonnie’s laptop to it.

“What are we watching?”

Kiah asked as she sat on the couch after bringing all the snacks and drinks she had prepared.

“You know how you told me about that book - The price of salt – and how much you like it? Well, I present to you – Carol, the movie adaptation.”

Kiah wanted to protest and go on her usual rant about how the movies are always worse and whatever, but she found it sweet that Lonnie had remembered her favourite book so she kept her mouth shut and decided to give it a chance.   
They got comfortable and Lonnie played the movie. A pleasant melody sounded as the opening credits rolled. On the screen with bold letters appeared ‘Carol’. Kiah didn’t really pay much attention and looked at her phone, hoping for Cate to text her. That is until she heard a familiar voice. It sounded more breathy and light but it was unmistakable. Kiah’s eyes shot up to the screen and to her horror, or surprise, or whatever the hell emotion she was feeling, there she was. Cate. On the damn screen. Kiah rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. It couldn’t be. Absolutely no way.

“Uh, Lonnie, who is the woman with the blonde hair?”

Lonnie scoffed

“That’s Carol, if you actually watch the movie you’ll find out.”

“No, I meant the actress.”

“Oh, that’s Cate Blanchett. I know you don’t really watch movies but do you really not know Cate Blanchett?? She’s like, an icon, and especially for lesbians. Even though she’s straight.”

Kiah didn’t really know how to react. An icon? Straight?

“How do you know she’s straight?”

“Well, considering she’s been married to a man for nearly two decades, what else could she be? I guess she could be bisexual, but I don’t think the she’s ever been seen with a woman.”

_Married?!_

What else had that woman lied about?? Kiah felt sick. How does one react to something like this? What was she supposed to do? Talk to Cate? Call her out? Ghost her? Stop talking to her altogether? Kiah couldn’t wrap her head around all of the information she had suddenly learnt about her supposed fling. She pulled out her phone and decided to text Cate.

K: We have to talk.

She sent it with a stoic look on her face.

K: I watched Carol.

She locked her phone and forced herself to remain calm and neutral. She watched the movie and couldn’t help but admire Cate. She looked beautiful and hell, was she talented. Kiah felt envious of the other actress that played Therese. It felt ironic to her how similar her situation was to the one in the movie. A young girl falling in love with an older married woman. Except – did Cate have kids? God, she should stop thinking about it.

“Are you okay?”

Lonnie broke the silence. The movie had ended and Kiah had been blankly staring at the screen. Did she really miss the whole movie lost in thought?

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.”

“So what do you think?”

“About what?”

“About the movie, you idiot, what else.”

“Oh, it was good.”

Lonnie squinted her eyes in suspicion.

“You didn’t pay attention, did you?”

“I…might have looked away for a couple of minutes.”

Lonnie sighed and shook her head.

“Disappointed but not surprised. Do you wanna watch another movie?”

“Uh, I’m actually feeling kind of sick, so maybe we can do that another time?”

Lonnie seemed to get the hint and got up to collect her stuff.

“Aight then. You pick the movie next time though. Maybe then you’ll actually watch it.”

Kiah just nodded and walked Lonnie out. Now alone, she decided to just take a nap and leave her future self to deal with all the emotions she was feeling.


	7. Chapter 7

Kiah was awoken by the ringing of her phone. She groggily felt around the bed for her phone, her eyes still closed. Finally, the cold glass surface of the screen materialized underneath her fingers. Confused, she finally opened her eyes only to close them again when the bright light from the screen painfully hit her retinas. After adjusting to the light she noticed a bunch of texts and missed calls. From Cate. Kiah's first instinct was to sit up in panic – was something wrong with Cate? Was she okay? Then she remembered. Her heart fell and she was left with a bitter taste in her mouth – Cate had lied. She had tricked her. Why was it that when Kiah would fenel even the slightest bit of happiness there would always be something waiting right around the corner to bring her down again. She wondered whether it was even worth it to read Cate's messages. How could she possibly get out of this? What kind of bullshit explanation would she come up with? 

_Fuck that._

Kiah put her phone down. There was one thing in the world that she could not stand – liars. She left the phone on the bed and looked for her tobacco to roll a cigarette. All that shit was making her irritated. As if the universe had decided to throw everything it had against Kiah that day, she was also out of tobacco. The brunette pursed her lips and puffed through her nose. So that's how it was going to be. 

_Might as well go for a walk._

Kiah threw on a jacket and a pair of shoes and went out. The sun had long ago set, leaving the ground to let go of its warmth. Kiah could feel the coldness radiating off the concrete through her shoes. It was grounding, but it somehow reminded her of her loneliness. Something about the cold indifference of the ground, of the weather, of everything and everyone around her. Humans think they are special, that the world around them is reacting to them, their needs and thoughts when it is the exact opposite. The whole concept of evolution is creatures adapting to the world. And for some reason humans evolved to depend on each other. And yet...there Kiah was – the loneliness seeping in, soaking her to her bones as she walked on the stupid street to the stupid store to buy stupid cigarettes. It was all driving her insane and all she could do was numb the feelings with whatever she could. 

Kiah picked up a pack of Winstons (too distraught to even bother rolling herself) and was about to check out when a voice in her head and a tug at her heart altered her course to the alcohol section. She didn't have to think too much about it – Kiah grabbed two bottles of the cheapest whisky and tequila.

Escapism has always been something to bring Kiah comfort. First it was books – when she was just a little kid. Then it gradually shifted to less and less healthy outlets until she found herself in love with the bottle. She relished the warmth it gave her. It made the world look more inviting, more ready to accept the tons of love she had to give. It made her forget, it made her...forgive. 

With one bottle finished and the other one's contents rapidly declining, all she could think about was Cate.

_I was supposed to forget!_

But it wasn't anger towards Cate that she felt. It was hurt. And along with it, she felt a growing warmth in her heart. Two contradicting emotions, neither of which Kiah wanted, both of which she had to deal with somehow. She got up from her couch and stumbled to the bedroom where her phone remained. Upon unlocking it she noticed even more missed calls and texts. Her heart fluttered a bit at the thought that Cate cared enough to bombard her with all that. Kiah immediately slapped herself mentally for getting soft. 

C: What do you mean?

C: Oh. Okay, I can explain. 

C: I was going to tell you, I promise. 

C: I can explain, it's not what it looks like, Kiah.

C: Please, pick up the phone.

C: Let's talk this through like adults.

C: Kiah!

C: You're acting like a child, grow up and pick up the bloody phone!

C: I'm sorry, I'm just worried. Please call me when you can.

C: Kiah. 

C: Okay. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want. If you decide to give me another chance, call me. 

In a surge of anger at Cate's ludicrous way of apologizing, Kiah pressed the call button. 

"Kiah! I'm so glad that-"

"YOU have absolutely NO right to call ME a child!"

"Wait, I didn't-"

"ALL you have done from the moment we met is tell lies and keep things from me."

Kiah could barely keep herself from yelling, her heart beating erratically and her head heavy with anger. She could hear herself slur despite her great efforts to sound sober. 

"Are you drunk?! Kiah, I have my own life and I don't owe you any details of it."

She could hear the cold anger in Cate's voice. It was condescending in the worst way and it only angered Kiah further. 

"Oh, yes, right! How could I forget?! You are so important, a Hollywood star, rich and beautiful with the world at your feet - how dare I, a mere nobody, ask YOU, your majesty, about your life. I am pathetic, right?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

Cate's voice remained cold, the same voice she had used that night after the play. Kiah felt a few tears well up. 

"You don't give a shit about me."

"What? That's bullshit. You're drunk, you don't know what you're saying."

"No, I'm right. You have lied to me, kept things from me, played me. And I understand. There's no way anything could ever happen between us. You have your husband and I have..."

Kiah's voice became unsettlingly calm.

"Well, I have no one."

She chuckled to herself. 

"Have a great life, Cate." 

"Kiah wait-"

She did not wait for Cate to finish her sentence, just hung up the phone and placed it gently on the nightstand. Kiah tried to get up and go brush her teeth, but stumbled in the process and fell back on the bed. She could not feel anything but an emptiness somewhere deep inside and the nauseating spin of the room. She closed her eyes and drifted into a dreamless slumber.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic I have been thinking about for a long long time. I first came up with the concept while healing from a bad break up and it took me an embarrassingly long time to actually write it. And now....it's here. This whole thing was written by my caffeinated brain at 5 am. I proofread it but still, there may be some typos or grammatical errors and I hope you'll excuse them.  
> Hope you enjoyed! Comments are greatly appreciated!


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